One of the best ways to show that you are superior to the underlings who work for you is to easily summarize complex topics on which you know nothing about. This happens a lot in IT and complex engineering, where one or more of your staff members will come to you about a large issue or project. Use phrases such as:

“This should be relatively straightforward, you must be doing something wrong..”
“Hmm, doesn’t sound that difficult, can’t you just link the tables and show it in the report, the data is there.”
“You really need to get our site to show up when someone types in ‘add competition’s name here’. I KNOW IT CAN BE DONE, SO DO IT!!!”
I understand what you are saying, but I know X can be accomplished. ‘Fill in made up name here’  did it and he is getting paid less than you. (Remember to emphasize the pay portion, it motivates!)

Long pause, stern stare, shake head.

All of this minimization should posture you for success. The other management folk will agree with you as none of you are responsible for the work, only the rewards. If they accomplish what you asked, be sure to take credit, if they don’t simply review some of the other pillars to get your point across!

Life is not fair or equitable.  Look at the universe it is mostly empty the mass is located in very tight spaces in relative terms.

In business you do not expect things to equal either, but there comes a time when even the most opened minded individuals will start to question the tactics of the powers to be…

It an economic downturn the company blames the current state of the economy and says we need to keep costs down to be affordable to our customers.  Then they launch the program and the masses either get no increase in pay ofrless than 2% a year which in many cases is like 700 dollars a year….

Meanwhile back at the ranch the CEO and his brethren rack in double digit millions while the poor saps that actually do work can’t buy milk.  Then they say “be happy your getting a paycheck”.

Then to top it off they spend money on useless consultants who are friends of the powers to be, whereas if they would have canceled the consulting agreements the rank and file could have gotten a much better raise – but then they cry – well that’s a different bucket of money!  WTF

Has your company been struggling lately?  Has the poor economy decreased your business and the outlook is dim?

Here is a sure fire sign you are fucked…you notice new people around.  They have meetings with the boss.  They interview people and look at the numbers. Then….they have an all hands meeting and your management team says they are kicking off a new program call “ROAR” the roadmap of opportunities accelerate and recalibrate.

You are now official fucked and it is just a matter of time before you will be out of business.

You know you are in deep shit when your boss starts hiring all his sycophant friends. They stack the deck against you, like playin poker in Vegas you will be wiped out, beat up, sent up the river and banged in the ass – the house always wins….spades dance best from the hip.

You can tell when you are working in an authentic 21st century company. The heritage people and managers often use words like “do we have a quorum” or “having said that” or “that said“. They use these words to show you that they are the real decision makers and knowers of all things.

In meeting environments they will monopolize the conversation in a non-stop monotone blather that will make you wish you had decided to shovel shit for a living.

These types of business folks personify the 21st century, and they will let you know within seconds of meeting them as they will use these phrases right away to LET YOU KNOW that they truly are gifted. The guide to the 21st century will help you cope and plan an attack to take back your company and life and regain some sanity…

When employees think that they have the ability to make even the most minimal decisions, there is something VERY WRONG. If an employee makes a decision without your knowledge or shall I say blessing/approval, it is imperative that they be placed on a PIP. Furthermore, others will learn that even the smallest decisions must come through you.

The beauty of this one is that as we all know you are too busy to actually talk to your employees. You will win this one easily because now everyone is afraid to make a decision, but can never get your approval, thereby giving you the ammo you need to fire them for lack of performance. You can ALWAYS yell at them for not getting the job done, even if you weren’t available for approval. Remember ALWAYS question judgement with an overtone of doubt.

It is never good to allow an employee to feel any sense of accomplishment. PERIOD. In a recent situation one of my subordinates was so freaking proud of his success. As a good manager you need to teach humility. When he came beaming into my office and disclosed his latest successful task, I responded with a sarcastic “Alright….?” Notice the question mark, that immediately allowed him to know that I was not impressed, at all.

Like any approval seeking character he immediately became defensive, the key here is to stand your ground. Shoot down everything, and what you cannot shoot down, minimize to no end. You WILL succeed every time. Game over, you win, FATALITY.

The beauty of this is that when raise time comes, your subordinate should KNOW that a raise is not in the cards. This will make the conversation that you don’t have with him/her easier!

So it’s yearly review time, and with the economy being the way it is, the average employee should not expect anything in return, except maybe criticism.  One way to put it into perspective is to tell your employee your salary. Some great ways to do that are as follows, sometimes actions speak louder than words:

1. “What do you make?” When they answer reply “Triple it and that’s what I make”. Follow up with a two hour lunch and leave early
2. Make statements like “You know a 50K raise really doesn’t make much of a difference in my paycheck”
3. Tell them the reason that they didn’t get a raise is so you could secure your bonus
4. Show them pictures of your house and tell them how much it cost
5. Have your bank statements in clear sight, they will cower in fear when they see how much more you have then they do
6. Rent a lamborghini and drive it to work. Park in the handicap spot so it doesn’t get scratched
7. Plan a vacation and make your assistant book your flights, hotels and dinner reservations with your corporate card, letting them know that perks are only for the righteous, change it in a week and make them complete the exercise again. Remember to bitch if they don’t get the money back from cancelling.

One of the more effective tools of management is confusion by communication…. or lack thereof. For example, you know that there are going to be layoffs and you hear one of your employees talking about getting a new car. Do you

A. Warn him
B. Be silent
C. Encourage him while fully knowing that tomorrow his ass is out on the street

If you picked A or B then you clearly are not cut out for management. It is in lying that you will look good in the end. You are promoting your employee to get out there and stimulate the economy after all. Once the loan is locked in, it’s his problem, not yours. If you encourage him then it makes it look like you didn’t see it coming anyway, hence the blame is shifted elsewhere (hopefully co-workers or middle management).

There is no point in worrying anyone, hell you get a bigger payoff for each employee that is let go. Remember, you can encapsulate many pillars shrouded in secrecy. No one will see it coming, the day is yours!

Ever find that between socializing, one upping and just plain spacing out that you simply don’t have time to do the more or less important things in life? That car is not going to clean itself, and for that matter, you aren’t going to clean it either; it’s below you.

Think of it this way, your employees are nothing more than indentured servants, and since you are the company defined in human form, cleaning your car is every bit as important as manufacturing schedules; that’s what weekends are for. EVERYONE below you is your personal assistant. And remember, anything you need your employees better do. Obey me or leave, it’s just that easy. With the economy tanking you can expect that they won’t be doing that any time soon.