Feb 29

937150_old_bus Throwing an employee "under the bus" is another excellent way to boost self esteem, ego, and pay. Nothing makes you look more in control than when you unleash on an employee in front of the board of directors.

Cunning, witty, and tactful…that is how the skill is executed. So you have steered an employee in the wrong direction during a major project, is that your fault? NO. The employee should know what to do that’s his job, you are management goddammit and don’t have time for bullshit details.

Some excellent phrases that come to mind to help accomplish your mission….

  • What the FUCK were you thinking????
  • You have singlehandedly  put the future of this company in jeopardy!
  • This is how you expect to get ahead?!?
  • I think you may not be what we are looking for in this company, or any company.
  • This shit has got to stop! Are you fucking retarded?
  • You and you alone have fucked us.

If executed properly, the bus should feel more like a semi truck. Your employee will literally have to scrape his self worth off the ground, which means that you have once again done your job! So pat yourself on the back, leave two hours early and don’t show up til Wednesday of next week! You earned it!

Feb 20

Often employees will ask a question you do not wish to answer.  The best way to handle this is to:

  • Lie
  • Repeat the question then - talk about a long forgotten work issue
  • Yell - about nothing in particular - ensure you use works like fuck, shit and we are fucked now
  • Throw something…anything
  • Tell the truth, then blame someone else then fire them
  • Tell the employee you need more information
  • Ask the employee who gave them permisson to approach you, then fire that person
  • Never, and I mean never take responsibility for any actions you may or may not have done 
Feb 15

Then out of nowhere use random explosive outbursts and accusations as the supreme fear mechanism.

Fear = Respect

 

Feb 14

If your employees (subordinates is what we will call them from now on) do not fear you when you walk in the room, then there is something wrong.