Management Pillars

Did you see, hear, think of or read about something excellent…guess what…you did it!

All top managers know the way to the top is to run to the bosses office (or call / text) the moment you get a whiff of excellence or good news!   Beat your peers/subordinates/superiors (future underlings) to the bosses office and ensure you throw them under the bus (see previous post) at the same time you stake your claim!

You are on a rocket ship to the top!!

Throwing an employee "under the bus" is another excellent way to boost self esteem, ego, and pay. Nothing makes you look more in control than when you unleash on an employee in front of the board of directors.

Cunning, witty, and tactful…that is how the skill is executed. So you have steered an employee in the wrong direction during a major project, is that your fault? NO. The employee should know what to do that’s his job, you are management goddammit and don’t have time for bullshit details.

Some excellent phrases that come to mind to help accomplish your mission….

• What the FUCK were you thinking????
• You have singlehandedly  put the future of this company in jeopardy!
• This is how you expect to get ahead?!?
• I think you may not be what we are looking for in this company, or any company.
• This shit has got to stop! Are you fucking retarded?
• You and you alone have fucked us.

If executed properly, the bus should feel more like a semi truck. Your employee will literally have to scrape his self worth off the ground, which means that you have once again done your job! So pat yourself on the back, leave two hours early and don’t show up til Wednesday of next week! You earned it!

Blame is an excellent skill to have; especially after a project fails. The project fell a little short because you have spent more time drinking than managing the project and it has ultimately failed and/or been delayed for weeks. In order to allow upper management realize that it was none of your wrongdoing, try the following:

• Always name names. Don’t ever use word like "they" or "my team", instead use the following - "John has a real problem with authority and actively refused participation in the project"
• Fire someone. This is a prime example of you doing your very best.
• Call out your employees on faults that may or may not have had during the duration of the project…. Lying goes a long way, and always makes you look better.
• Recommend a demotion to all members of your team, so that you can receive a bonus whenever the project gets completed.

Remember eat coal…shit diamonds.