Management Pillars

Acronyms are a great way to make people feel inferior… especially when they don’t have a fucking clue what you are talking about.  I have found that a great way to begin is to think of commonly used phrases and “acronymize” them. For instance, say your subordinates are working on a project called the “Final Line Assembly and Manufacturing Process Improvement”. No one else has ever mentioned an acronym for this. Here’s how to execute:

1. Grab Joe and ask him how the FLAMPI project is going. You can either say each letter or even better yet, pronounce it “Flam pee”. | Not to be confused with the Penskie File |

2. When Joe looks confused, immediately look angry and puzzle, be sure that another manager knows about your acronym, and bring him over. Tell him Joe doesn’t seem to know what the FLAMPI project is. Make sure that the other manager has a good sense of humor and will immediately start laughing, bringing humiliation to an all time high.

3. Hold a meeting with a group that excludes Joe and fill them in, be sure to let them know that Joe doesn’t seem to know what FLAMPI is. Make sure that they question him on it.

4. If your plan has worked Joe will either quit or you can fire him for his ignorance, as it is apparent that everyone else in the company is aware of your made up acronym.

Acronymming up a conversation always makes someone in the room feel clueless, use frequently for best results.

The propel your career in the new age use this type of language:

1.  We need more bandwidth

2.  Is that value added?

3.  We don’t have much time to get this project done

4.  Can you justify that activity?

5.  More capital would help

6. More resources are essential

7. We will never finish in time

8. Things are not going as planned

9.  We are behind schedule

10. Whats the ROI?

11. Can you show me the TCO?

12. Think outside the box

13.  Think “Win Win”

14.  What not…(what is that anyway?)

15.  Having said that….

An effective way to make employees succumb to your demands and achieve your management goals:

Change employee behavior:

• Mock them in front of a group of co-workers
• Make them feel insecure
• Secretly have meetings with all co-workers so the target employee can see you - but do not meet with them
• Whisper to someone every time your victim walks by then laugh
• After the meeting, make the employee feel more uncomfortable by taking the rest of the team to lunch.
• Let everyone else leave early.

Increase performance

• Call them out in front of co-workers with comments such as "when are you going to pull your head out of your ass?"
• Whisper just loud enough to be heard to other workers "can you do his job, we might need you soon"
• Cut down any and all progress with, "You spent HOW LONG on this!"
• Use sayings such as, "Close your mouth I can smell the bullshit"

Diminish their self worth

Use these comments in front of co-workers or anytime at all:

1. Can you really be that stupid?
2. If shit were brains you would be Einstein.
3. Are you a moron?
4. Go ahead and quit, who else would be dump enough to hire you
5. Can you ever do anything right?
6. Who hired you? They should be fired.
7. I’m surprised you’ve slipped through the cracks this long.
8. What’s your excuse this time?
9. I’ve pissed patterns in the snow more coherent than your ideas.
10. You know that saying "There are no stupid questions?" Well you’ve just been the first to ask one. Congrats chief.
11. Did you grow up near power lines?
12. Rig their drug tests, then accuse them of lying.