Engage, Listen, Retaliate

Companies and managers these days are following a doctrine of “listening” to employee gripes about all the shit that’s wrong with their company. They do this in order to help shape the corporate culture to a more employee centric environment or some other bullshit hippie fantasy land in which job satisfaction is higher leading to a 100% increase in productivity. In a lot of cases it’s anonymous so the employee submitting the “suggestion” is not chastised or berated for addressing negative aspects of the corporate culture. This is often referred to as being progressive and forces management to look at the issue instead of the person.

If you ask, me the above tactic is the sign of a weak company run by politically correct sissies who have no business managing anyone. There is an upside however; you too can use this tactic, but remember to do it correctly.

So how do you make this work for your brood of ungrateful narcissistic employees? Remember the following:

1. You are in charge, not them.
2. People are nowadays often referred to as Human Capital
3. The suggestions are less important than striking down the anonymous coward who suggested them.
4. The suggestions are to be completely ignored OR taken to an extreme.
5. It is YOUR job to send a message that you don’t tolerate this kind of bullshit sabotage.

Bearing the above truths in mind, you must set the stage.

To begin set up a suggestion box and make an announcement that employees can anonymously submit suggestions for improving the corporate culture. Do not actually set the box up until you have compared the anonymous area. In order for this to work it must be convincing you need to set up an area that is extremely inconspicuous to ensure that never submits the suggestion feels as if they have complete anonymity.

Now the real work begins
Prepare the area and ensure that the following conditions exist:

1. Setup no less than five pinhole cameras around the room as well as microphones which are set up to record everyone who comes in. You must make sure no one sees them; you want to give the illusion of safety don’t you?

2. Install the box in such a way that when a suggestion is dropped and there is no way to resend or take it back once it’s in it does not come out.

3. The box must be fashioned in such a way that after the paper goes in preferably is routed directly to your office along with a picture of the asshole who wrote it video will be matched with the picture so you’re targeting the right person.

4. Call the person into your office a week later and tell them, without telling them, that you know they submitted it.

5. Whatever the suggestion is you must put a spin on it. If somebody is suggesting that the employees need more bonuses you must take that as treason. It’s this type of bullshit that you don’t need.

6. Begin to monitor the criminal and all who hear she associates with on a very regular basis. Recording everything they do and say inside or outside of work.

7. Now you strike you’ve been patient know who the problems are. Fire all of them right before Christmas. Hold the company meeting explaining that slander will not be tolerated remind all employees that they need a paycheck and if they don’t like it here they can go somewhere else.

Don’t backfill the positions, push the work on existing people. Productivity is up, as well as profits. win-win.

Death of an underling

Doesn’t it suck when HR gets all bent out of shape just because you asked your employee to work hard?

I asked john nicely to work on Saturday and Sunday it is not my fault he didn’t have the wherewithal to escape the room I locked him in.

People are such sissies when it comes to sacrificing their lives for the company. Come on, carpal tunnel never killed anyone and if a machine outsmarts your employees by landing on them it just shows that they will soon be replaced by a machine, who is smarter than they are.

Bonus? What level are you?

Ever wonder why your employees bonus program exists? You should take it away but wait before A holiday. You know damn well that onl level 6 and higher should get anything. Did Joe Schmo sit in a live meeting for 30 minutes before having sex with his secretary? Did he have to work full 3 hour days? Nope fuck him no bonus and while youmake in excess of 900k he should be happy you let him work here .

Why IT is never taken seriously

So you guys in IT think you have what it takes to be a manager? Nothing could be further from the truth. See, while completely full of excuses and blaming anything but your incompetence on why I cannot get my email. (The art of deflection, but not in the right way.) Remember the following:

  • Everyone else blames technology for why they’re so fucking useless, you oh IT overlord cannot use that excuse.
  • While management loves blame, we don’t like when machines are blamed for problems. They don’t do anything autonomously.
  • Behind every failed server there is a truly incompetent IT guy.
  • Blah blah blah no one cares about HOW it works except you

IT is the perfect department to blame and should never have power. The retaliation would be unspeakable. Especially because of the shit my friends forward me…

Lean, Six Sigma and Other Useless Nonsense

So what is the next great wonderful new exciting idea to make people with useless jobs sound like they actually understand analytical data? What foreign language can we base it off this time to sound smart? I mean c’mon can you really say the words “poke yoke” (pronounced Polka Yolk – two things that never should be together) without laughing as you say it. If you answered “YES” then you are definitely expendable. You see, Lean and Six Sigma were invented by smart people to give those some “tools” to sound like they are not complete morons. But seriously, let’s face it, the jobs that Lean applies to will be done by robots in the next 2-3 years or sooner, so yeah…. not really relevant anymore, but I digress.

You know the type of people I am talking about. Guys that are putting things together who really just want to get in, get out & get paid do not give a flying fuck about Lean, AndOn lights, water spiders, kanban, hoshen connery (or Sean), metrics, value streams, paredo analysis or muda. They just want to put shit together, make sure it works, and make sure it’s on time so they are not chained to their workstation after hours and given a speech about performance metrics and shareholder value.

It's YOUR fault

So today’s management tip is simply this : “Lean sucks and Six Sigma is even worse, FIRE your entire lean team and *poof* you have instantly saved the company a couple hundred thousand…. MUCH more than those jackasses would ever “save”. Oh, and another thing about performance, don’t hire the┬áslobs who smell like shit, look like they are going to die soon or are so fat that they can barely move; by doing soon, lean is obsolete. Now get your paradigm shift on and let the bodies hit the gemba!