Death of an underling

Doesn’t it suck when HR gets all bent out of shape just because you asked your employee to work hard?

I asked john nicely to work on Saturday and Sunday it is not my fault he didn’t have the wherewithal to escape the room I locked him in.

People are such sissies when it comes to sacrificing their lives for the company. Come on, carpal tunnel never killed anyone and if a machine outsmarts your employees by landing on them it just shows that they will soon be replaced by a machine, who is smarter than they are.

Bonus? What level are you?

Ever wonder why your employees bonus program exists? You should take it away but wait before A holiday. You know damn well that onl level 6 and higher should get anything. Did Joe Schmo sit in a live meeting for 30 minutes before having sex with his secretary? Did he have to work full 3 hour days? Nope fuck him no bonus and while youmake in excess of 900k he should be happy you let him work here .

Why IT is never taken seriously

So you guys in IT think you have what it takes to be a manager? Nothing could be further from the truth. See, while completely full of excuses and blaming anything but your incompetence on why I cannot get my email. (The art of deflection, but not in the right way.) Remember the following:

  • Everyone else blames technology for why they’re so fucking useless, you oh IT overlord cannot use that excuse.
  • While management loves blame, we don’t like when machines are blamed for problems. They don’t do anything autonomously.
  • Behind every failed server there is a truly incompetent IT guy.
  • Blah blah blah no one cares about HOW it works except you

IT is the perfect department to blame and should never have power. The retaliation would be unspeakable. Especially because of the shit my friends forward me…

Lean, Six Sigma and Other Useless Nonsense

So what is the next great wonderful new exciting idea to make people with useless jobs sound like they actually understand analytical data? What foreign language can we base it off this time to sound smart? I mean c’mon can you really say the words “poke yoke” (pronounced Polka Yolk – two things that never should be together) without laughing as you say it. If you answered “YES” then you are definitely expendable. You see, Lean and Six Sigma were invented by smart people to give those some “tools” to sound like they are not complete morons. But seriously, let’s face it, the jobs that Lean applies to will be done by robots in the next 2-3 years or sooner, so yeah…. not really relevant anymore, but I digress.

You know the type of people I am talking about. Guys that are putting things together who really just want to get in, get out & get paid do not give a flying fuck about Lean, AndOn lights, water spiders, kanban, hoshen connery (or Sean), metrics, value streams, paredo analysis or muda. They just want to put shit together, make sure it works, and make sure it’s on time so they are not chained to their workstation after hours and given a speech about performance metrics and shareholder value.

It's YOUR fault

So today’s management tip is simply this : “Lean sucks and Six Sigma is even worse, FIRE your entire lean team and *poof* you have instantly saved the company a couple hundred thousand…. MUCH more than those jackasses would ever “save”. Oh, and another thing about performance, don’t hire the slobs who smell like shit, look like they are going to die soon or are so fat that they can barely move; by doing soon, lean is obsolete. Now get your paradigm shift on and let the bodies hit the gemba!

 

Be the expert on topics you know nothing about!

One of the best ways to show that you are superior to the underlings who work for you is to easily summarize complex topics on which you know nothing about. This happens a lot in IT and complex engineering, where one or more of your staff members will come to you about a large issue or project. Use phrases such as:

“This should be relatively straightforward, you must be doing something wrong..”
“Hmm, doesn’t sound that difficult, can’t you just link the tables and show it in the report, the data is there.”
“You really need to get our site to show up when someone types in ‘add competition’s name here’. I KNOW IT CAN BE DONE, SO DO IT!!!”
I understand what you are saying, but I know X can be accomplished. ‘Fill in made up name here’  did it and he is getting paid less than you. (Remember to emphasize the pay portion, it motivates!)

Long pause, stern stare, shake head.

All of this minimization should posture you for success. The other management folk will agree with you as none of you are responsible for the work, only the rewards. If they accomplish what you asked, be sure to take credit, if they don’t simply review some of the other pillars to get your point across!