Minimize Success
It is never good to allow an employee to feel any sense of accomplishment. PERIOD. In a recent situation one of my subordinates was so freaking proud of his success. As a good manager you need to teach humility. When he came beaming into my office and disclosed his latest successful task, I responded with a sarcastic “Alright….?” Notice the question mark, that immediately allowed him to know that I was not impressed, at all.
Like any approval seeking character he immediately became defensive, the key here is to stand your ground. Shoot down everything, and what you cannot shoot down, minimize to no end. You WILL succeed every time. Game over, you win, FATALITY.
Disclosure can be a good thing
So it’s yearly review time, and with the economy being the way it is, the average employee should not expect anything in return, except maybe criticism. One way to put it into perspective is to tell your employee your salary. Some great ways to do that are as follows, sometimes actions speak louder than words:
- “What do you make?” When they answer reply “Triple it and that’s what I make”. Follow up with a two hour lunch and leave early
- Make statements like “You know a 50K raise really doesn’t make much of a difference in my paycheck”
- Tell them the reason that they didn’t get a raise is so you could secure your bonus
- Show them pictures of your house and tell them how much it cost
- Have your bank statements in clear sight, they will cower in fear when they see how much more you have then they do
- Rent a lamborghini and drive it to work. Park in the handicap spot so it doesn’t get scratched
- Plan a vacation and make your assistant book your flights, hotels and dinner reservations with your corporate card, letting them know that perks are only for the righteous, change it in a week and make them complete the exercise again. Remember to bitch if they don’t get the money back from cancelling.
Secret to Success
One of the more effective tools of management is confusion by communication…. or lack thereof. For example, you know that there are going to be layoffs and you hear one of your employees talking about getting a new car. Do you
A. Warn him
B. Be silent
C. Encourage him while fully knowing that tomorrow his ass is out on the street
If you picked A or B then you clearly are not cut out for management. It is in lying that you will look good in the end. You are promoting your employee to get out there and stimulate the economy after all. Once the loan is locked in, it’s his problem, not yours. If you encourage him then it makes it look like you didn’t see it coming anyway, hence the blame is shifted elsewhere (hopefully co-workers or middle management).
There is no point in worrying anyone, hell you get a bigger payoff for each employee that is let go. Remember, you can encapsulate many pillars shrouded in secrecy. No one will see it coming, the day is yours!
Leverage Professional Position for Personal Favors
Ever find that between socializing, one upping and just plain spacing out that you simply don’t have time to do the more or less important things in life? That car is not going to clean itself, and for that matter, you aren’t going to clean it either; it’s below you. Think of it this way, your employees are nothing more than indentured servants, and since you are the company defined in human form, cleaning your car is every bit as important as manufacturing schedules; that’s what weekends are for. EVERYONE below you is your personal assistant. And remember, anything you need your employees better do. Obey me or leave, it’s just that easy
Take Credit for everyone’s (your) accomplishments
Did you see, hear, think of or read about something excellent…guess what…you did it!
All top managers know the way to the top is to run to the bosses office (or call / text) the moment you get a whiff of excellence or good news! Beat your peers/subordinates/superiors (future underlings) to the bosses office and ensure you throw them under the bus (see previous post) at the same time you stake your claim!
You are on a rocket ship to the top!!
Communication Via E-mail
When dealing with peers, superiors or subordinates it is always best to deliver senstive messages via-e-mail – even if the target sits next to you. Here are a few rules of thumb:
1. Always send derogatory e-mails to subordatines in lieu of face to face contact – because we know if you had to do it face to face you never would
2. Copy all your peers and superiors to show them that you are on top of the slackers
3. Always demean them with phrases like “constant constrination” “irratation” “must get act together or further action”
Create Acronyms that no one understands (CATNOU)
Acronyms are a great way to make people feel inferior… especially when they don’t have a fucking clue what you are talking about. I have found that a great way to begin is to think of commonly used phrases and “acronymize” them. For instance, say your subordinates are working on a project called the “Final Line Assembly and Manufacturing Process Improvement”. No one else has ever mentioned an acronym for this. Here’s how to execute:
1. Grab Joe and ask him how the FLAMPI project is going. You can either say each letter or even better yet, pronounce it “Flam pee”. | Not to be confused with the Penskie File 
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2. When Joe looks confused, immediately look angry and puzzle, be sure that another manager knows about your acronym, and bring him over. Tell him Joe doesn’t seem to know what the FLAMPI project is. Make sure that the other manager has a good sense of humor and will immediately start laughing, bringing humiliation to an all time high.
3. Hold a meeting with a group that excludes Joe and fill them in, be sure to let them know that Joe doesn’t seem to know what FLAMPI is. Make sure that they question him on it.
4. If your plan has worked Joe will either quit or you can fire him for his ignorance, as it is apparent that everyone else in the company is aware of your made up acronym.
Acronymming up a conversation always makes someone in the room feel clueless, use frequently for best results.
The Flair for Stating the Obvious & Overused Phrases
The propel your career in the new age use this type of language:
1. We need more bandwidth
2. Is that value added?
3. We don’t have much time to get this project done
4. Can you justify that activity?
5. More capital would help
6. More resources are essential
7. We will never finish in time
8. Things are not going as planned
9. We are behind schedule
10. Whats the ROI?
11. Can you show me the TCO?
12. Think outside the box
13. Think “Win Win”
14. What not…(what is that anyway?)
15. Having said that….
Peer Pressure
An effective way to make employees succumb to your demands and achieve your management goals:
Change employee behavior:
- Mock them in front of a group of co-workers
- Make them feel insecure
- Secretly have meetings with all co-workers so the target employee can see you – but do not meet with them
- Whisper to someone every time your victim walks by then laugh
- After the meeting, make the employee feel more uncomfortable by taking the rest of the team to lunch.
- Let everyone else leave early.
Increase performance
- Call them out in front of co-workers with comments such as "when are you going to pull your head out of your ass?"
- Whisper just loud enough to be heard to other workers "can you do his job, we might need you soon"
- Cut down any and all progress with, "You spent HOW LONG on this!"
- Use sayings such as, "Close your mouth I can smell the bullshit"
Diminish their self worth
Use these comments in front of co-workers or anytime at all:
1. Can you really be that stupid?
2. If shit were brains you would be Einstein.
3. Are you a moron?
4. Go ahead and quit, who else would be dump enough to hire you
5. Can you ever do anything right?
6. Who hired you? They should be fired.
7. I’m surprised you’ve slipped through the cracks this long.
8. What’s your excuse this time?
9. I’ve pissed patterns in the snow more coherent than your ideas.
10. You know that saying "There are no stupid questions?" Well you’ve just been the first to ask one. Congrats chief.
11. Did you grow up near power lines?
12. Rig their drug tests, then accuse them of lying.
7 Habits for the New Era
| OLD | NEW AGE |
|---|---|
| 1. Be Proactive | Never Take Action – as you might get blamed |
| 2. Begin with the end in mind | Begin with YOU in mind |
| 3. Put first things first | You always come first |
| 4. Think Win/Win | Think “I win you lose” |
| 5. Seek first to understand then to be understood | Keep employee’s guessing |
| 6. Synergize | Fractionalize |
| 7. Sharpen the saw | Abuse drugs and alcohol |