Companies and managers these days are following a doctrine of “listening” to employee gripes about all the shit that’s wrong with their company. They do this in order to help shape the corporate culture to a more employee centric environment or some other bullshit hippie fantasy land in which job satisfaction is higher leading to a 100% increase in productivity. In a lot of cases it’s anonymous so the employee submitting the “suggestion” is not chastised or berated for addressing negative aspects of the corporate culture. This is often referred to as being progressive and forces management to look at the issue instead of the person.
If you ask, me the above tactic is the sign of a weak company run by politically correct sissies who have no business managing anyone. There is an upside however; you too can use this tactic, but remember to do it correctly.
So how do you make this work for your brood of ungrateful narcissistic employees? Remember the following:
1. You are in charge, not them.
2. People are nowadays often referred to as Human Capital
3. The suggestions are less important than striking down the anonymous coward who suggested them.
4. The suggestions are to be completely ignored OR taken to an extreme.
5. It is YOUR job to send a message that you don’t tolerate this kind of bullshit sabotage.
Bearing the above truths in mind, you must set the stage.
To begin set up a suggestion box and make an announcement that employees can anonymously submit suggestions for improving the corporate culture. Do not actually set the box up until you have compared the anonymous area. In order for this to work it must be convincing you need to set up an area that is extremely inconspicuous to ensure that never submits the suggestion feels as if they have complete anonymity.
Now the real work begins
Prepare the area and ensure that the following conditions exist:
1. Setup no less than five pinhole cameras around the room as well as microphones which are set up to record everyone who comes in. You must make sure no one sees them; you want to give the illusion of safety don’t you?
2. Install the box in such a way that when a suggestion is dropped and there is no way to resend or take it back once it’s in it does not come out.
3. The box must be fashioned in such a way that after the paper goes in preferably is routed directly to your office along with a picture of the asshole who wrote it video will be matched with the picture so you’re targeting the right person.
4. Call the person into your office a week later and tell them, without telling them, that you know they submitted it.
5. Whatever the suggestion is you must put a spin on it. If somebody is suggesting that the employees need more bonuses you must take that as treason. It’s this type of bullshit that you don’t need.
6. Begin to monitor the criminal and all who hear she associates with on a very regular basis. Recording everything they do and say inside or outside of work.
7. Now you strike you’ve been patient know who the problems are. Fire all of them right before Christmas. Hold the company meeting explaining that slander will not be tolerated remind all employees that they need a paycheck and if they don’t like it here they can go somewhere else.
Don’t backfill the positions, push the work on existing people. Productivity is up, as well as profits. win-win.