Management Pillars

Did you see, hear, think of or read about something excellent…guess what…you did it!

All top managers know the way to the top is to run to the bosses office (or call / text) the moment you get a whiff of excellence or good news!   Beat your peers/subordinates/superiors (future underlings) to the bosses office and ensure you throw them under the bus (see previous post) at the same time you stake your claim!

You are on a rocket ship to the top!!

When dealing with peers, superiors or subordinates it is always best to deliver senstive messages via-e-mail - even if the target sits next to you.  Here are a few rules of thumb:

 1.  Always send derogatory e-mails to subordatines in lieu of face to face contact - because we know if you had to do it face to face you never would

2. Copy all your peers and superiors to show them that you are on top of the slackers

3.  Always demean them with phrases like “constant constrination” “irratation” “must get act together or further action”

Acronyms are a great way to make people feel inferior… especially when they don’t have a fucking clue what you are talking about.  I have found that a great way to begin is to think of commonly used phrases and “acronymize” them. For instance, say your subordinates are working on a project called the “Final Line Assembly and Manufacturing Process Improvement”. No one else has ever mentioned an acronym for this. Here’s how to execute:

1. Grab Joe and ask him how the FLAMPI project is going. You can either say each letter or even better yet, pronounce it “Flam pee”. | Not to be confused with the Penskie File |

2. When Joe looks confused, immediately look angry and puzzle, be sure that another manager knows about your acronym, and bring him over. Tell him Joe doesn’t seem to know what the FLAMPI project is. Make sure that the other manager has a good sense of humor and will immediately start laughing, bringing humiliation to an all time high.

3. Hold a meeting with a group that excludes Joe and fill them in, be sure to let them know that Joe doesn’t seem to know what FLAMPI is. Make sure that they question him on it.

4. If your plan has worked Joe will either quit or you can fire him for his ignorance, as it is apparent that everyone else in the company is aware of your made up acronym.

Acronymming up a conversation always makes someone in the room feel clueless, use frequently for best results.

The propel your career in the new age use this type of language:

1.  We need more bandwidth

2.  Is that value added?

3.  We don’t have much time to get this project done

4.  Can you justify that activity?

5.  More capital would help

6. More resources are essential

7. We will never finish in time

8. Things are not going as planned

9.  We are behind schedule

10. Whats the ROI?

11. Can you show me the TCO?

12. Think outside the box

13.  Think “Win Win”

14.  What not…(what is that anyway?)

15.  Having said that….

An effective way to make employees succumb to your demands and achieve your management goals:

Change employee behavior:

• Mock them in front of a group of co-workers
• Make them feel insecure
• Secretly have meetings with all co-workers so the target employee can see you - but do not meet with them
• Whisper to someone every time your victim walks by then laugh
• After the meeting, make the employee feel more uncomfortable by taking the rest of the team to lunch.
• Let everyone else leave early.

Increase performance

• Call them out in front of co-workers with comments such as "when are you going to pull your head out of your ass?"
• Whisper just loud enough to be heard to other workers "can you do his job, we might need you soon"
• Cut down any and all progress with, "You spent HOW LONG on this!"
• Use sayings such as, "Close your mouth I can smell the bullshit"

Diminish their self worth

Use these comments in front of co-workers or anytime at all:

1. Can you really be that stupid?
2. If shit were brains you would be Einstein.
3. Are you a moron?
4. Go ahead and quit, who else would be dump enough to hire you
5. Can you ever do anything right?
6. Who hired you? They should be fired.
7. I’m surprised you’ve slipped through the cracks this long.
8. What’s your excuse this time?
9. I’ve pissed patterns in the snow more coherent than your ideas.
10. You know that saying "There are no stupid questions?" Well you’ve just been the first to ask one. Congrats chief.
11. Did you grow up near power lines?
12. Rig their drug tests, then accuse them of lying.

Throwing an employee "under the bus" is another excellent way to boost self esteem, ego, and pay. Nothing makes you look more in control than when you unleash on an employee in front of the board of directors.

Cunning, witty, and tactful…that is how the skill is executed. So you have steered an employee in the wrong direction during a major project, is that your fault? NO. The employee should know what to do that’s his job, you are management goddammit and don’t have time for bullshit details.

Some excellent phrases that come to mind to help accomplish your mission….

• What the FUCK were you thinking????
• You have singlehandedly  put the future of this company in jeopardy!
• This is how you expect to get ahead?!?
• I think you may not be what we are looking for in this company, or any company.
• This shit has got to stop! Are you fucking retarded?
• You and you alone have fucked us.

If executed properly, the bus should feel more like a semi truck. Your employee will literally have to scrape his self worth off the ground, which means that you have once again done your job! So pat yourself on the back, leave two hours early and don’t show up til Wednesday of next week! You earned it!

• This is a true art that is learned thru deception

Agree with all your co-workers often and repeatedly on major company initiatives…then

In a major meeting with all bosses disagree with all parties with information you have been withholding for months…

This will make everyone look foolish and they will scramble for answers & they will have none! - this is the time to bury the sword deep

You will have moved up from Gray Wizard to White Wizard overnight!

When executed properly the blindside makes you appear as a fucking genius; while victims of the blindside look similar to dogs who have just received the beating of a lifetime for shitting on the rug again.

• Fuck win win
• The I win you lose option is what we are really after (lets not kid ourself)
• Whenever I beat you it is good - you beat me it is bad - beating me is not an option, unless it is racing onto a sinking ship
• Common knowlege would lead you to believe the key to success is WIN / WIN - but all top leaders know that that is the sucker line, or for pigs lost in the wilderness - you will turn into somebody elses lunch - YOU must always come out on top no matter the fall-out or cost - burn your wife if you have to .. but win..win Rockey win!
• Remember, the  more you lose, the more I win, the better I look!

Blame is an excellent skill to have; especially after a project fails. The project fell a little short because you have spent more time drinking than managing the project and it has ultimately failed and/or been delayed for weeks. In order to allow upper management realize that it was none of your wrongdoing, try the following:

• Always name names. Don’t ever use word like "they" or "my team", instead use the following - "John has a real problem with authority and actively refused participation in the project"
• Fire someone. This is a prime example of you doing your very best.
• Call out your employees on faults that may or may not have had during the duration of the project…. Lying goes a long way, and always makes you look better.
• Recommend a demotion to all members of your team, so that you can receive a bonus whenever the project gets completed.

Remember eat coal…shit diamonds.